Things That Make Us Giggle Every Time

A. Thunderstorms and car alarms:

So we had a thunderstorm Thursday night, a really loud one. Each time there was a clap of thunder, two car alarms would go off, pretty much only until the thunderclap was finished, then they'd quiet down. As soon as we got another clap, the alarms would go off again. It could have been annoying, but I think we were so overtired that it was just funny.

B. "Fashion," especially women's fashion:

I will try to get pictures to back up my statements/accusations on here. But it won't be easy because usually by the time I've finished gawking and asking Chris, "Did you SEE that?!" the object of my incredulous staring has disappeared. I will describe some recent sitings:

1) Chris saw this and wants to offer all of you ladies back home some advice- animal print, especially leopard, does NOT work on stockings! Instead of looking sexy, you simply appear to have a skin disease.

2) Never mix animal prints or mix colors of the same animal print. Please. Tiger stripes on a shirt do not go with giraffe patches on the jacket and leopard spots on the purse, nor do black and white tiger striped pants go with brown and gold tiger stripes on the shirt.

3) Unless you're a bird, you should not wear feathered headbands with feathers that stick up like a Native American headdress.

4) Unless you don't plan on sitting down for the entire night, sequined pants don't really make much sense. But they are fun to laugh at, so continue wearing them for people like me.

5) If you're over 25, you shouldn't have pink, purple, green, or blue streaks in your hair. And if you are over 25 and wearing a business suit while simultaneously sporting those streaks, don't be surprised when you hear snickers in your wake.

6) Actually, if you're over 25, you shouldn't wear backless shirts (75 year old with leather for skin, I'm talking to you!), skinny jeans, pigtails, or micro-mini skirts outside of clubs (and maybe not even then...)

7) If you dye your hair bleach blond from dark brown or black, PLEASE, PLEASE, continue to dye your roots!! You already look silly enough with that shade of hair, having 6 inches of roots showing isn't helping your image. Especially if those roots are salt and pepper colored.

8) Easy on the pink blusher...

9) Guys, easy on the hair gel. A little goes a long way.

10) And for heaven's sake, please leave the man-purses at home! Chris is pestering me to let HIM get one! (He's just kidding...I think.)

C. Alcohol Selection

"If you want beer, you may have Efes. I hope you like Efes, because it is the default beer in Turkey. If you're lucky we may have some Tuborg. Enjoy your beer.

Oh, you want wine! Well, would you like red or white? What do you mean, what kind of red? There is red wine. You know, kırmızı şarap? Well, if you want SELECTION, go to a store!"

"Hello, welcome! What can I get you? Wine you say? Well, I have a small selection. Only the supermarkets have bigger selections and the ones close to you close at 9 PM. I have 3 varieties, all for 6TL (that's about $4) or under! Which can I get you? OF COURSE it is undrinkably bad! It's 6TL !!!! What do you expect?!"

D. Asking a question and expecting a useful response:

This used to annoy us. Now we just don't ask questions, or, if we can't avoid it, we ask as many people as possible and see if there are ANY answers that are the same. We'll go with that answer. You see, it's an embarassment to admit that they don't know something, so even if they don't have a clue, they will make something up as an answer. This is problematic when we're asking for directions. One person says, "Yes, go down this street 5 min," while another person says, "No, you are going the wrong way," while still another says that our destination is a 15 min walk in a third direction. That is assuming, of course, that we can understand them.

Asking yes/no questions has it's own issue: people never just say yes or no. They launch into a whole story, which I can't understand, and when I explain that I don't understand because my Turkish is non-existent (literally, Turkçem yok = my Turkish doesn't exist), they seem confused as to how they are supposed to communicate with me if they can't tell a story. Just "evet" or "hayır" will do, sir.

Bus drivers have their own language. Even Turks have no idea how to communicate or understand bus drivers.

E. "Five minutes"

This means anywhere from two minutes (not often) to 25+ (frequently). Literally. Other numbers are a little more accurate, but if an Izmir Turk tells you "five minutes," plan on waiting for awhile. Pull up a chair, order a tea, and relax.

I'm sure I'll come up with more. Hopefully this will just be Part I of many such posts.